What the hell am I doing here?
A few weeks ago, I hosted tea at my apartment for some fellow Smith College alums— a sacred event for all Smithies, both current and past. If you know, you know. ;) It was my first time hosting, and I wanted to make it special. So, after deliberating with myself for far too long, I decided to base our discussion around the topic, "What’s your 2025 Vision?"
I turn 30 this year, and that fact has been plaguing my mind. What exactly is my vision? I’m confident that I’m not alone in feeling like some of the inevitable growth that happens in one’s early-to-mid 20s was lost on many younger millennials. A lot of us paused crucial years of that post-college “young, carefree, just trying to find yourself” phase to do the right thing and stay home during COVID. No regrets there at all, but I’ve personally come to see gaps in my social, emotional, and mental development that I have to believe are there because I spent nearly two years at home, alone with my dog, before finally moving away to the “big city.” Had I been “out in the world” during my mid-20s, who’s to say what my late 20s/early 30s would look like now? Reflecting on this, I now want to make up for lost time, and consequently have made a commitment to myself. I am determined to hit my 30s as a woman who is confident in who she is, knows her worth, and, most importantly, leans into her strengths. That is the vision I have for myself in 2025.
There’s no doubt that 2025 will be a trying year for women. Anyone with half a brain cell knows that. But even so, I am determined to make this year the best one yet, and right now, that means walking into the unfamiliar and not giving a damn what others think of me. If I’m honest, I do care, and I fall into unhealthy people-pleasing behaviors. But I’ll save that conversation for therapy. (;
It’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings to put yourself out there, try new things, or meet new people. No one likes rejection. Whether you challenge yourself to be more vulnerable with loved ones, meet new people, learn a new hobby or skill, say the word “NO,” or simply do something that scares you, I promise it will be worth it. Sometimes even the “smallest” of fears can feel herculean, and that is okay! I get a big dopamine hit whenever I look at myself in the mirror and say, “I did it. I did it, and I survived.” A colleague and mentor of mine once told me, “Abigael, you have to advocate for yourself. No one else can do it for you,” and that’s a hard pill to swallow. But it’s just a fact.
No one teaches you how to grow up. Not really, anyway. One can have the best guidance growing up and still not know their “why” or “wants,” and that is terrifying to me personally. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I just have to figure it out myself? Like, excuse me!? And until recently, I didn’t realize that the vast majority of adults feel this way too. It’s both relieving and bewildering to know how much we don’t know and how much the population doesn’t know. Yet we continue to grow and thrive. Life goes on, and that’s pretty cool. At the end of the day, we’re all fine and learning together.
I’ve dealt with a lot of health issues in 2024 and, subsequently, have asked myself many times, “What the hell am I doing with my life?” While it’s objectively not awesome to have a chronic condition, I am grateful. I am grateful that it’s allowed me to learn more about myself, connect with my body on a level I didn’t know was possible, and realize that life does indeed “go on,” so I’d better make it meaningful for myself sooner rather than later. I can see the type of woman I want to be, and for that, I am TRULY grateful.
So, what’s the point of all this?
In an effort to kickstart 2025, I’m challenging myself to Project Pan as a means to engage myself politically and practice sustainable habits that intersect with my interests in fashion, beauty, and personal aesthetics. As the challenge suggests, I created an inventory of every makeup product currently in my vanity that I plan to use up and discard in 2025. The concept behind this challenge is to reduce beauty product waste and systematically replace brands that are incompatible with one’s values, at a rate realistic to one's lifestyle and financial circumstances. Hence why I chose to base my criteria on which brand(s) or parent companies' employees primarily donated to Project 2025, Trump’s presidential campaign, or support Israel’s Palestinian genocide.
I acknowledge that there is privilege in even being able to participate in this challenge. There is privilege in being able to choose products based on values. This especially rings true as we enter Trump’s America, and inflation will inevitably continue to rise. It’s okay to take small, yet purposeful action. All we can do is our best, and our best is good enough. Whether your “best” is mindful consumption or properly boycotting specific companies, do what you can, because that’s what matters. Do it with intention. The smallest actions can have the biggest potential for impact.
So shop local, be reasonable, and do what is best for you at the end of the day. Because don’t forget, loves, you’re not the problem. Capitalism is the problem. But we can and should do our best to be good stewards regardless.
Here are the products I plan to use all the way down to the “pan” this 2025. For more information regarding company donations see Open Secets.
KVD
Benefit Cosmetics
Sephora Brand
Skinny Dip
Maybelline New York
It Cosmetics
Fenty Beauty (This one hurts)
